The Dangers of Vicarious Parenting
Can the way we live through celebrities be harmful in the case of a child and their parent?
By Emma Lian
There are many reasons why shows like “The Kardashians” or “The Bachelors” are so popular. One reason might be the want to see the drama that occurs within these shows. Another could be feeling the excitement the said drama from the show ignites. The act of this feeling is also known as ‘Vicarious Living’, the act of living through another. While living through Kim Kardashians isn’t problematic (given that it doesn’t greatly affect their life), the way parents project their desires onto their children can be and become dangerous. In some cases, over-controlling parents will make their children join certain activities in an attempt to satisfy their personal childhood desires. While passionate and great parenting can help set up a child for success, the dangerous boundary that treads in vicarious living can harm both the parent and the child.
"Sunset family" by Photosightfaces is licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 2.0.
To begin, I’m not saying that parents should not force their children into activities. Had my parents not forced me to play the piano when I was 6, I would have never discovered that side of myself. In these cases, ‘forced’ becomes more ‘introduced’ as long as the parents understand their children’s wishes to stop the activity if they voice it. However, had my parents forced me when I was 15 and had the cognitive ability to make my own decisions, then it would have become a problem. The main reason for this is explained by Erik Erikson’s Stages of Psychosocial Development. Between the ages of 12-18, AKA a person’s teenage years, people go through what Erikson describes as the “Identity vs. Role Confusion” stage. During this time, teenagers take the time to discover themselves through their life experiences. It is critical to allow the teenager to navigate their identity completely by themselves or it can potentially cause them to lack a sense of identity, and not know who they truly are. If a parent still persists to try to force (one might say control) their children into things during this stage, it can lead to problems like codependency, anxiety, and poor emotional regulation.
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On another note, a controlling parent who projects onto their child can also harm the parent as a result. As mentioned above, some of the effects on a child from having an over-controlling parent can also be problems the parent have themselves. Eggshell Therapy and Coaching frames it is a great way: “Controlling parents tend to be anxious, paranoid and possessive. They struggle with true intimacy and can be extremely defensive. They take conflicts personally, very rarely apologize and it is almost impossible to disagree with them without receiving a forceful backlash.” In many ways, vicarious parenting (where parents live through their children) can also be a form of generational trauma. Without intervention, the problems a parent previously faced can worsen as they continue to watch their child like a hawk. Things like codependency can be encouraged as the parent becomes dependent on the child as the two spend more time together. While these things might sound awful, parents who do over-control their child probably do it with the child’s best intention in mind. Going back to codependency, a parent might believe that they are protecting their child from the dangers of the outside world by preventing their child from ever leaving their side. The most important thing to remember is to parent while also respecting their child’s boundaries when they are eventually formed.
Anxiety..." by mesbahuk is licensed under CC BY 2.0.
Overall, no one truly profits from a vicarious parenting style. The parent’s issues heighten while the child inherits the same issues. It’s important to remember the importance of boundaries and to teach them, both to yourself and those around you. A child will only know what you teach them, and if you don’t teach them boundaries, they might struggle to say ‘no’ in situations they find uncomfortable. Good parenting is key to a child’s success and well-being, as well as a brighter future.
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"big happy family" by pudgeefeet is licensed under CC BY-ND 2.0.
Works Cited
Lo, Imi. “Controlling Parents Trauma.” Eggshell Therapy and Coaching, Eggshell Therapy and Coaching,
https://eggshelltherapy.com/paranoid-controlling-parents/#Controlling_Parents_are_Possessive.
McLeod, Saul. “[Erik Erikson's Stages of Psychosocial Development].” Erik Erikson's 8 Stages of Psychosocial Development, Simply Psychology, 1 Jan. 1970,
https://www.simplypsychology.org/Erik-Erikson.html.
Stuck, Ashley M. “10 Signs of Controlling Parents & How to Cope as an Adult.” Edited by Pat Bass, Choosing Therapy, Choosing Therapy, 22 June 2021,
https://www.choosingtherapy.com/controlling-parents/.